


is there somewhere?

by raptures



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Road Trips, Terminal Illnesses, hoseok is a pisces: thats the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raptures/pseuds/raptures
Summary: “But I love him.” the Sea whispers to the Sun.“I know,” The Sun replies. “But I’ve loved him longer. I loved him first.”The beginning and ending of it all, as told by Lee Hoseok.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	is there somewhere?

**Author's Note:**

> i've been writing this beast on and off since 2018 and suddenly stopped because i have no motivation to do anything, ever. and then things happened, you know how things go.
> 
> this was supposed to be cute and fun. it turns out i am bad at both and want to suffer.
> 
> unbetaed and probably full of mistakes. i would say i'm sorry but i do what i want, i'm a bad bitch! (also, i am sorry.)

**_THERE IS NO ABSOLUTION FOR THE FALLEN, ONLY THE DYING._ **

_You love him. The story still ends._

* * *

For all the years that Lee Hoseok had known Lee Minhyuk, and for all the years they hadn’t seen each other, it had been both a comfort and a surprise to find Minhyuk at his front door with all his disheveled, boyish charm in full glory at two AM. 

(Three. It had been three years since Hoseok had last seen Minhyuk, and it seemed that the years had been kind to him, a sentiment Hoseok couldn’t exactly extend to himself.)

Hoseok had been in their hometown for all of two days before Minhyuk had up and barrelled into his life again.

While he had been expecting him to come around sooner or later, he hadn’t expected their reunion to be held on Hoseok’s front porch so early in the morning, with Hoseok half-awake and wearing a pair of ratty sweatpants that were definitely two sizes too small. 

“I have a proposition for you.” He had said in lieu of a greeting. The lilt in Minhyuk’s voice was easy, carefree; as though no time had passed at all since time had last found Minhyuk standing in front of Hoseok’s front steps like this.

Hoseok found himself frozen in the middle of the doorway, and as though no time had passed at all, his brows furrowed as he stared inquisitively at Minhyuk.

And just by looking at Minhyuk, one could have argued that nothing really had changed. Minhyuk still had that irritating half-inch of height on him, still had that stupidly uneven blink, still seemingly put way too much moisturizer on at night. He still shined, brighter than any street light down the road or any star in the sky.

But nothing ever truly stayed the same, did it?

Because Minhyuk’s hair was now a floppy tousled mess of black, rather than the ash blond of yesteryear, and his dark circles were more prominent than ever. He had exchanged those elaborately edgy outfits he used to wear for sandals and joggers and a ridiculously large hoodie that had seen better days.

He looked _good_. 

Minhyuk must have taken Hoseok’s dumbfounded silence as an invitation to continue, because before Hoseok could think to ask—or even process what the hell was happening—Minhyuk had pressed on.

“Run away with me,” he had said in that wide-eyed, earnest way of his, and Hoseok had just known that Minhyuk was up to no good; for his was the look that had gotten Hoseok into trouble time and time again over the course of many, many years—even before they had ever become friends.

It had been years since he’d last seen that look in Minhyuk’s eyes, and yet Hoseok found it equally comforting and utterly terrifying to realize just how much power that that look still had over him. 

Hoseok blinked.

He had half a mind to shut the door on Minhyuk’s face. One, because Minhyuk had a way of hatching up horrible plans that he’d regret the next day, and second, because it was two in the morning and Hoseok was just so goddamn _tired_.

But then Minhyuk had smiled; the warmth of it making him glow under the dull orange of Hoseok’s porch light, and all hope Hoseok had for saving himself was thrown out the window.

It was the type of look that begged in the same way that it challenged any answer that wasn’t a yes. And while Hoseok was strong in most aspects of the word, there were just some things he couldn’t help but fall for.

It felt like being nineteen again. Minhyuk’s smile was the same then as it was the day he and Minhyuk drove out of town and got lost in the woods. His uneven blink was summer nights spent under Hoseok’s sheets, too big to fit into his tiny twin bed but doing it anyways, because Minhyuk always complained about being cold. It was waking up on the floor because Minhyuk had the audacity to kick Hoseok off his own bed even in sleep.

For a second, he let himself get lost somewhere between space and time, hovering somewhere up in the sky, below the sun and above the sea, watching Minhyuk now and remembering Minhyuk then.

Maybe Minhyuk could see the way Hoseok’s resolve had begun to slowly crumble, unsteady under the weight of his gaze, because he had just smiled knowingly, taking another step forward and once again dissolving the idea of there having been any space between them at all.

And he didn’t stop.

He kept inching forward until Hoseok could feel the warmth of Minhyuk’s skin just barely hovering by him; the promise of sunshine in the muggy, torrential terrain that Hoseok had called home. 

Distantly, Hoseok could just make out how the cicadas buzzed in the trees. A sound that had once been loud and rather demanding had become nothing more than background noise when faced with all of Minhyuk so close and yet, at the same time,

so

incredibly

_far_.

Hoseok and Minhyuk stood in tense silence for a lapse of infinity and no time at all.

They were close enough then for Hoseok to feel the individual twitch of Minhyuk’s fingers against his own hand; Hoseok could swear that he could feel Minhyuk’s eyelashes brushing against his cheeks. 

_(It was too much.)_

“Let me think about it?”

Minhyuk shrugged. 

_(It was not enough.)_

And with that, Minhyuk pulled back, rushing and yet so languid, as though he were the tide that ran along the shoreline. The warmth he had brought with him dissipated, chilling Hoseok down even beyond his bones.

The distance had felt something like a challenge, and Hoseok was nothing if not competitive. 

On the other hand, however, Hoseok was also a coward and would do nothing to separate the space between them, no matter how badly he had wanted it. It was frustrating; he could step back and prove to both Minhyuk and himself that the former didn’t have all the power over him, that he could close the door and not regret it.

(But he wouldn’t.)

Instead, he stood there, looking rather stupid as he shifted his weight from one leg to another, staring at anything that wasn’t Minhyuk in fear of being confronted with _that look_ again—the aforementioned _look_ that had never not made Hoseok make terrible mistakes.

Hoseok sighed. 

“Give me some time.”

Minhyuk grinned, smug, as if he’d gotten the answer he had wanted all along, rather than the half-assed maybe-so Hoseok had actually given him.

* * *

Time had found Lee Minhyuk sliding into the passenger seat of Hoseok’s ‘09 Honda Civic, a smug grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. 

Hoseok, on the other hand, had found himself sighing in resignation as he tossed the last of his bags into the back seat of his car, wondering _why_ for the love of god he had thought that any of this was a good idea. 

He went on to express the same sentiment to Minhyuk as he buckled in his seatbelt.

“It’s too goddamn early,” Hoseok groaned. 

It had only been mere hours since their last encounter, and after Minhyuk had left Hoseok baffled and alone, all he could do was toss and turn in his sheets, wondering why he had sought Hoseok out in such a manner. He really didn’t want to get into it or think too much about it, for stranger things had transpired, especially when it came to Minhyuk. 

He had been reminded, suddenly, about Schrödinger and his dead cat, and then of curiosity and _its_ dead cat, how the knowing and the not knowing was the only thing keeping it both alive and dead and then alive again. 

And then he had called Minhyuk.

(Minhyuk hadn’t changed his number in the years they had lost contact. This, once again, had Hoseok both confused and comforted.)

He let his head thump against the steering wheel, grunting half-heartedly and sneaking a glance or two at Minhyuk, hoping the younger would take pity and maybe the wheel so Hoseok could at least sleep off the lingering uncertainty he felt.

Instead, Minhyuk had just laughed, loud and boisterous and warm, and quickly, Hoseok found himself rolling his eyes and biting back his own smile, even despite the cold and irritation that had been seeping into Hoseok’s skin not mere moments before. 

Eventually, Hoseok lifted his head, turning to Minhyuk’s wide, uneven blink. “Why the hell are we doing this again?” 

In a similarly cryptic fashion as their earlier conversation, Minhyuk had just shrugged, the remnants of his laugh settling at the edges of his eyes, but something had felt different. 

Even the years of separation couldn’t deny it. Something about Minhyuk’s smile felt more weighty and substantial to the Hoseok that had been so used to Minhyuk’s smile being as free and just about as flighty as the rest of him.

(Maybe it was because his heart had started beating too fast.)

Hoseok shivered, turning away from the Minhyuk’s gaze, which had suddenly felt heavy, and finally started the car.

“I’ll tell you where to go.” Minhyuk said, as if he hadn’t always been the one leading adventures for the two of them ever since either of them could remember, as if Hoseok hadn’t been waiting for Minhyuk anyway. “Just start driving.”

* * *

It hadn’t been an hour in before Minhyuk started whining.

“I’m hungry,” Minhyuk complained, “I want McDonald’s.”

Hoseok knew this would happen. When it came to Minhyuk, knowing things such as this were nothing more than second nature. Minhyuk was predictable in that strange, unpredictable way of his. 

He was always hungry. He always wanted McDonald’s.

But Hoseok was on a diet and did not want to succumb to the gluttony that surely awaited under those golden arches. And even if he wasn’t, he always had a way to mitigate the errant thoughts and complaints that Minhyuk let spill freely, and this time was no different.

“I packed sandwiches, you brat. Eat them and be grateful.” Hoseok rummaged around in his pocket before brandishing several napkins and tossing them at Minhyuk.

“And keep the car clean. I don’t want any more bugs crawling around, one is plenty enough.” Hoseok threw a pointed glance at Minhyuk.

Minhyuk rolled his eyes, throwing the stray napkins back in Hoseok’s direction. He went on to eye the contents of Hoseok’s bag of snacks warily. “I don’t want your rabbit food. I want a goddamn Big Mac.”

“I _will_ turn this car around, Minhyuk.”

Hoseok wouldn’t, and they both were very aware of the fact. He was nothing if not predictable, to Minhyuk, at least. The idea of being stagnant—and cripplingly so—while Minhyuk had changed so simply and yet so dramatically unnerved Hoseok. 

He had always been Minhyuk’s shadow in everything. While that was a rather distressing thought, he found comfort in standing in Minhyuk’s light. However, he found, the longer he stayed put, the further away Minhyuk seemed.

“Shut the fuck up and take me to McDonald’s, _dad_.”

Maybe everything had to change in order for things to stay the same.

(Maybe everything had to change in order for Hoseok to stay beside Minhyuk.)

It had still been early, so there were no cars and, thus, no witnesses to see Hoseok suddenly slamming his brakes in the middle of the street. They were barely a mile out from those golden arches that were singing their siren song to Minhyuk despite the fact that—or probably because—Minhyuk had hit his head against the dashboard.

“No.” Hoseok stated calmly, still not looking at Minhyuk. 

From the corner of his eye, he could see the dumbfounded look on Minhyuk’s face. 

Minhyuk wouldn’t be the only one that had changed.

The Hoseok of three years ago wouldn’t have been daring enough to do something like that, he knew. Even if it really hadn’t been anything, the straight-laced Hoseok that had existed up until that very moment had been about as docile as a sleeping kitten with the exception of the times he’d been prodded by Minhyuk.

For a long minute, they had been surrounded by deafening, buzzing silence, echoed only in the purr of his car’s engine. Hoseok could only find it in himself to stare at some faraway place in his rearview mirror.

Then Minhyuk laughed.

It was loud and unabashed in the same way that everything else about Minhyuk was; he keeled over, head nearly between his knees as he laughed. His entire body shook with the force of it, becoming nearly breathless at the expense of Hoseok’s sanity. 

Hoseok could only watch on in confusion.

( _What the hell am I doing?_ )

“Ah,” Minhyuk sighed out as he came down from his hysteria, “when did you become so funny?” 

Hoseok reddened, embarrassed. “Shut up. I didn’t even do anything.”

Minhyuk crooned, reaching over and patting Hoseok’s flaming cheek fondly. Hoseok couldn’t find it in himself to push Minhyuk away, instead, he found himself staring at Minhyuk with even wider eyes.

“I missed you, hyung.” 

The sincerity in Minhyuk’s soft voice was what had thrown him, even if he pretended not to hear the sentiment, decidedly turning away from Minhyuk and driving again. 

( _What the hell have I done?_ )

In all the years that he had known Minhyuk, the moments that had found them discussing sentimentality were few and far between. 

Not that it had happened on purpose by any means—because Minhyuk was an emotional creature at heart. He laughed and cried louder than anyone Hoseok had ever met. He had a bleeding heart and it was always tucked on his sleeve. 

It was just that Minhyuk left no room for anything of the sort, with his flighty nature and all. He was too busy showing Hoseok how he felt to really tell it to him in words. He had always been jumping from one thing to the next, not sparing a single moment to breathe in between.

It was the first time Minhyuk had admitted something so honest and _earnest_. It had also been the first time Minhyuk had sounded so small, fragile in the way his tongue rolled over those fond syllables just behind the curl of his small smile.

So maybe that was the reason why Hoseok felt his heart beating again, fast and thrumming in his chest as though a wild bird had taken flight, beating against his ribs in an effort to escape the weight of his lungs. 

It was that, and definitely not the tangle of confused, warm feelings Hoseok had felt. They were the same ones he had shoved into the deep recesses of his mind all those years ago, while Minhyuk was busy tossing rocks at his window and bullying Hoseok into hopping the fence of the community pool so that they could go for a midnight swim.

Definitely not that.

* * *

“I actually have no idea where we’re going,” Minhyuk had admitted with a crooked smile.

They were pulling up on hour two of driving, and Hoseok had figured as much. It seemed as though Minhyuk really had no destination in mind, pointing at random exits on the highway and turning them through strange roundabouts with no rhyme or reason. 

Hoseok was running out of gas. And patience.

“Isn’t there somewhere specific you wanted to go?” Hoseok asked, resigned.

Minhyuk shook his head, tossing his empty box of McNuggets at him. “Not really, why?”

The cardboard landed with an unassuming thump in Hoseok’s lap. 

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the memory of Hoseok’s embarrassing stint earlier, but irritation bubbled up like roiling magma and scorching lava inside him. 

And with every passing minute, Minhyuk was looking more and more like Pompeii. 

“There must have been, otherwise why would you drag me out of the house in the middle of the night?” 

The frustration and annoyance hadn’t bled out of his mouth so much as it had seeped in a never-ending stream. He hated snapping at Minhyuk, but the literal lack of direction was driving Hoseok insane.

As endearing as they were at times, Minhyuk’s hyperactive sensibilities were chaotic at best and debilitating at worst. His inability to choose any one thing and have a set course in mind was what had driven Hoseok crazy for as long as he could remember. 

Hoseok had been left reeling at the events that had transpired pre-nugget. The confusion and helplessness he felt did nothing to better his mood. It made everything worse, and it only served to fuel his annoyance, for whatever reason, which led him back to feeling confused and helpless.

It was a never-ending cycle, and it almost always promised migraines and heart palpitations.

He wished that Minhyuk could just _decide_ , so that they could get their play at adventure over and done with, so Hoseok could go home and try yet again to shove away every part of Minhyuk that lingered in Hoseok’s mind and pretend like he was fine with the distance between them.

Hoseok went to say as much to Minhyuk as he parked in a stray gas station parking lot, but Minhyuk had looked forlorn, quiet and maybe a little meek, yet another surprise to Hoseok. He had never known Minhyuk to be anything remotely near passive, much less _meek_. 

The words died in his throat, shriveled up and turned to ash at the mere notion of red and heat alight in Minhyuk’s cheeks. 

So instead, Hoseok just sighed, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously before stepping out of the car.

“I’m gonna get gas, and maybe some chips,” Hoseok tried. “Uh… don’t get mauled by a bear while I’m gone, I guess.”

There were no bears. 

They both knew this.

(But Hoseok was trying, wasn’t he?)

Minhyuk snorted, kicking his feet up on the dashboard, eyeing Hoseok meaningfully. 

“Don’t eat the bear.”

He rolled his eyes, turning away from Hoseok, and it was as though nothing had happened.

**Author's Note:**

> what can i say, except aaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> weird and confusing language is my brand. sorry if this makes no sense. it probably never will, but it's part of the charm, i think.
> 
> if you would like, please support me: [ko-fi!](https://ko-fi.com/raptures)
> 
> [summary](https://lostcap.tumblr.com/post/124515948263/but-i-love-him-the-sea-whispers-to-the-sun)  
> [ _no absolution/you love him..._ ](https://lostcap.tumblr.com/post/105407819073/you-love-him-the-story-still-ends)


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